…all of your shoes have traces of manure on them.
…you walk behind your car and touch it so it knows you are there.
…you see a golf course and think about how great it would be to gallop across it.
…you have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
…you know the towing capacity and wheel base of most trucks.
…your friends and family check the barn before the house to see if you are home.
…horse breath is your favorite smell.
…the majority of your shoes are for the barn.
…you have two piles of dirty clothes – still clean enough for the barn and definitely dirty.
…your Christmas and birthday lists are all horse related items.
…you know where you can park your truck and trailer at your errand stops in town.
…you say “whoa” to your dog instead of “stay”.
…you click to your kids to get them to move along.
…you reach in your pocket for change and come out with horse treats.
…if someone is going to the barn before you meet them, add 2 hours to the original time.
…you back a truck and trailer better than most truck drivers.
…your hair style is determined by how well it will fit underneath a helmet.
…when you cut your finger, you have to run out to the tack room because that’s where all your first aid supplies are located.
…you know not to wear fleece around your horse.
…you have nail polish just to keep your Chicago screws from coming undone.
…you know what Chicago screws are.
…your work outs consist of riding, shoveling manure, stacking hay and hauling buckets of water.
…you spend all of your birthday and Christmas money on competition entry fees.
…you can fit your truck and trailer through most fast food drive thru’s.
…you can fit a ride into a spare 45 minutes.
…you watch the zookeeper cleaning up after the Zebra’s and envy them.
…you don’t know that you smell like horse urine.
…you think that horse poop is not smelly and gross like other kinds of poop.
…you make a sweet feed cake with carrot candles and handpicked grass decorations for your horses birthday.
…hay can be found in your bra and/or shirt.
…you go outside in the cold to put a blanket on your horse, but can’t be bothered to put a coat on yourself.
…you love to browse the latest colors and designs of muck boots.
…new footing in your arena is more exciting than any new furniture, jewelry, clothing, etc. (or any other non-horse item).
…you buy items for your horse without question. When you or your family needs something, you ask yourself , “do we really need that?”
…you feed and care for your horse before yourself, in your pajamas.
…you go to Florida for the winter, but must come home every two weeks to see your horses.
…you would rather watch your horse graze than watch TV.
…you have major medical for your horse, but no health insurance for yourself.
…you are an expert at working with hat hair.
…you consider yourself a winner if you take home first prize and $24 at a competition and it cost you $240 to enter.
…your barn is exponentially cleaner than your house.
…hay is a daily hair accessory.
…you have a Corgi.
…when driving down the freeway in your car, you shift your body weight and put on leg pressure anticipating a “shy” when passing a big noisy truck with a flapping tarp!
…you know exactly when your horse had their teeth done last, but can’t remember the last time you had yours done.
…you drive 4 hours for a one hour lesson.
…your yearly one week vacation is going to a clinic with your horse.
…you spring out of bed at 4am for a horse competition, when you really just needed to get up at 5am, take a shower, pick up donuts, wash the truck, get gas, feed, clean stalls, drive to the show, get tacked up, braid if necessary, warm your horse up and are ready for your 8am class, but you are regularly late for work.
…you can fix anything with bailing twine or wire.
…your idea of buying new shoes involves meeting your farrier every 6-8 weeks.
…that said, you buy $200 shoes for your horse every 6-8 weeks, but struggle to buy yourself a pair once a year.
…your favorite free time is spending a long weekend in front of a horse trailer by a dusty arena.
…you think 101°F is a normal body temperature.
…instead of giving someone directions to turn “left” or “right,” you tell them to “gee” or “haw.”
…your favorite outfit is mostly leather and may include a whip and spurs.
…you cringe at paying six bucks for lunch, but won’t blink at spending sixty on a riding lesson.
…you complain about being sore after a hike, but would never complain about the pain from your ride the previous day.
…any object is evaluated for how you might use it at the barn.
…when you go to the mall, you look for horse items in every store and usually buy them because they are “hard to find”.
…You love Ralph Lauren and Hermes because they have a horsey theme, not that you could ever afford them because you have horses.
…your home is covered in horse art, sculptures, knick-knacks, calendars and pictures of your loved ones riding horses.
…your phone ring, computer background and icons are horses.
…at any time in your life, you set up jumps in the backyard and had your dog jump the course.
…instead of skipping, you “canter”.
…you know more knots than most sailors.
…you know the first four generations of Native Dancer, King P-243, Furioso II., but you can’t remember your siblings age.
…you lean forward as your car goes over a speed bump.
…you and your horse both use Mane & Tail Shampoo and Conditioner.
…you go to the supermarket in your breeches and boots.
…your tack room and barn are neat as a pin; not so much your house.
…your veterinarian is number one on your speed dial and your spouse is number two.
…you are still reading these and s-nickering to yourself.
Thank you to everyone who contributed! Heather McWilliams © 2014.